I just had a birthday a few weeks ago. I tend to become introspective and reflective around the anniversary of my birth. I begin another new cycle in my life. It's my personal holiday. It begins my personal "New Year." There is a moment right before the day arrives where I find myself getting a little blue. I think perhaps I am mourning the fact that another year--that particular year--is coming to pass. And another reason is I start thinking about all the many birthdays before where I say, "This year is going to be different! This year I am going to live!" What am I waiting for? Why am I sitting on the pause button? I find that some patterns have continued to repeat themselves. This frustrates me. Saddens me. Gets me a little down.
It's a lot like my closet. I find myself getting depressed when I look in my closet. I dread getting dressed. There is only so much room in it. And lately I have been looking at the clothes in it wondering why in the world I still have some of them! I think I hold on to them because I've convinced myself I need to still have them. I don't wear all of them. In fact, I actually only wear a select few of them. Most of them were given to me somehow. Or I may have bought them years ago. They just hang there, filling up space, keeping me from finding new items that I actually do like. When I go to clean out my closet I convince myself that I may still wear them, or that I actually need them. I convince myself that some major catastrophe may happen in a fashion emergency where I need that white button-up shirt from Target that is yellowing and really doesn't look very good on me anymore. I create these elaborate fantasies in my mind where I will need these items. I create fantasies in my mind that if I actually filter through and release the clothes that no longer "fit" me I will only be wearing one thing everyday--that I will have to do laundry daily--that I may actually have to show up to an event or work naked! I know this is ridiculous. Yet it still happens. I sit and think about how I want to just go through it and purge. I fantasize about that too. A closet with space yet filled with clothes that I love and fit me well--clothes that excite me and make me happy. Clothes that are actually worn while hiking or gardening or dancing. Clothes that are cute and sexy (without trying too hard). Clothes that are actually living a life outside of the closet, outside of my imagination and potential possibilities. Clothes that are actually worn by me while I am out living a colorful life. That's what I really want.
I find that I have been stuck on "pause." My closet is my life. I am fearful sometimes of letting things go because what will fill that empty space? What if I do feel naked for a while? What if, when I let something go, I miss it? I guess it's a lot like patterns and habits. How many things am I still doing, or not doing, that I didn't even pick out for myself? Things that I simply acquired and have now kept, convincing myself that I need them? Keeping these parts of myself hanging and waiting rather then doing something about it. So this year, to celebrate my new year, I will clean out my closet. I will enjoy who I am and what I have and actually live my life in clothes that I love and picked myself. I will have the space for the new to come into my life. I will release myself from the pause button, because what am I really waiting for?
